I bet he comes in French.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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