I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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