Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
