I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
