i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
