Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
