I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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