I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
