nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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