It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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