Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
