he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
