Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The struggles of a small town man whore
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
