my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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