i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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