my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
