Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
