nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
