According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
