ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
