I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
