you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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