I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
