Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
