I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
