The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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