I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
