she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
