"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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