I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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