this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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