I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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