is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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