Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
