Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
