I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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