we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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