So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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