My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I love you.
Bad choice
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
