come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
