She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
