It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
