You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
