I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
