i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
