the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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