I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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