a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
