So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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