She went from zero to smokin in five shots
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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